So i'm just learning but this is an ADHD trait? After all, when he is around me he can make me miserable by extension of his bad mood. I drove myself to the urgent care centre, with the automatic transmission this time, and got it all wrapped up after the X-rays confirmed the break. #1. Born with a congenital heart condition, she survived two open heart surgeries before age 4. Yeap, but there are moments I'm being shitty too so I thought to myself this is just fair. We had an argument this morning where he says I am always in pain, etc. He love(s) the one he is with..as in.."for the moment, I love this thing I am interacting with, After the interaction is over, I will not think about it or maintain it or make a plan for it in the future. Blank and emotionless with no expression at all? So, does he want me around because he's afraid he's dying? Unreal. And what Ive learned is, thats exactly why Im with you. Ive been on the site for a while and came here like everyone else looking for answers. I am very organized so I planned for thenext 20 days. Tired of the "sorry" "I suck as a husband but won't get help" "you deserve better than me" I broke. I'm curious to see a female's perspective on this, especially someone who has been married to see if this holds true. He played video games.A LOT, and watched a lot of movies, and cook his food in deep fryers which has made the house smell like an old dirty grease pit, with the cupboards, shelves, and countertops, floors, all caked with grease. Life goes on, until Im better. You should absolutely not expect to be treated as a child by your wife, and don't put your wife in the roll of your mother. And one of the most troubling scenarios where you see this is when the wife becomes so upset that she cries and the husbands response is indifference, anger, frustration, or denial. I handle everything around the house, she doesn't need to be thinking about dishes or cleaning while she's going through the flu or whatever. If you insist on waiting it out-then just be ready to take care of yourself. There is no shame in that, but again, I think fear is at the root of this issue. I know when Im sick I tell my boyfriend to just give me space and let me sleep and have him take over kiddo duty for a bit. Submitted by dedelight4 on Fri, 04/14/2017 - 11:42, "our friends know the struggles and even when I am not present they can only take him in doses, bless them. Maybe he's dated someone like that. But, he can't get past the victim hood yet. Ziff Davis, LLC BBB Business Review. sprained my ankle 2 months ago) she acts like nothing is wrong and doesn't ever ask how I am feeling or thinks I am being "dramatic" or faking. My H, and many others, expect love, support, attention and all the good stuff without being self aware enough to understand that they are not giving it in return and become very angry when it's not provided. It doesn't appear in any feeds, and anyone with a direct link to it will see a message like this one. I didn't get medical help until nearly 12 hours later. I even passed out in front of my kids on the floor, and they had to yell at him to help me. Submitted by Exhaustedlady87 (not verified) on Fri, 11/15/2019 - 16:54. If I could boil down the difficulties, it really does come down to lack of love as you described. (Although I didn't make him do the dishes). Submitted by Resentful on Fri, 03/16/2018 - 09:54. Does she get sick often?Wondering how sympathy for each other is usually when one of you is sick. I come first now. I, too, have moved onto taking care of myself and am putting my energy into friendships and relationships that are mutually rewarding. Many years ago I had appendicitis. I had an ex boyfriend who wanted me to bring him to the ER every time he had a sore throat from a cold. Tell your spouse that although you When he arrived, he did not hug me, ask how I was, or show ANY CARE. I was a great person to be around but the lies hurt and changed me. Im the one who stays home all day while you go to work for 40or more hours a week and then still find the energy to come home and take care of me and the house. Submitted by vabeachgal on Sat, 04/15/2017 - 18:15. Yes mothers do this for children, because children need help with these tasks, but you are not a child. He threatened to sue me and the doctor because the kid had to go temporarily on multiple antibiotics to help knock down the infections. How would you like her to act? Of course. I said no. But I'm still keeping out of the way and limiting the inconvenience. I've seen SO deeply moved by the plight of others. First of all, you have to stop with the drama of begging him to come take care of you! Or begging him to drive you home. I can understand mentionin Ive had back and chest pain on and off becoming more frequent. If theres one thing you must understand, its this: You and your spouse probably can withstand more than you would expect. If your S.O. My "H" is 100% total Narcissistic! The codependent wife moved back without his help and then he said he wasn't going back to therapy after one session. My husband thinks it's hilarious to ask when I'll be sexually available again but balks when I ask him for some ice to settle my stomach. Our daughter just had surgery overseas. And, when I'm not 100%, then he's not being cared for. This detachment causes children to grow up detached from making intimate friendships and relationships as an adult, to closely love others. Well, this time, I was calm, I got out of the car and changed my mind but he told me to get back in. Submitted by thparkle on Tue, 03/20/2018 - 11:36. ", Submitted by MelissaOrlov on Fri, 04/14/2017 - 14:29, Disconnection issues for those with ADHD come from a multitude of places. My memories hold no feelings of love because I am not experienceing them right now. I could reclaim myself so to speak and put myself out there in the relationship but unless my H admits to the effects of adhd in the marriage and takes concrere steps tofix it, I don't expect another outcome. If you live together, your partner may want to sleep in their own bed with you. You love me. Everyone, strangers and those that love and tolerate him see an issue. Anyway..it was really serious and I can't ever remember being that sick before in my life and it was horrible right? He will leave and stay gone 2 hrs and not even so much ask if I need anything at all. His mother died from Alzhiemer's, but was bi-polar and whatever else. Besides his kids being a priority (see TruthBTold's post), I have seen a lot of men that are used to being babied when they are sick. Well, yes, I have an Autoimmune condition that causes it. Alright. Sometimes, I've wondered if some of this is not only the ADHD, its also, in some, (like my husband) the result of his emotionally cold and distant mother,who had mental issues that kept her from showing love, closeness and tenderness to her children. I always wished I had the guts to leave him but the codependencykept me there. But we are talking about a lack of engagement here, right? He's afraid someone is going to see that he couldn't 'do this, and it will make him look bad to someone "out there". Ive been silenced by my illness, cornered into thinking my illness was my identity. It wasnt until recently that I found my voice. Thats it. Submitted by jennalemone on Sat, 04/15/2017 - 14:09. But it was terrible to watch my child suffer like that. It took me 27 years to stop being jealous when he treated other women better than me and hyperfocused on gadgets and not me. Yeap. We can't FIX some of this stuff on our own. Submitted by dedelight4 on Fri, 04/14/2017 - 06:51. Its a cultural thing as a whole. (Daddy issues?). Which to that, I feel he used me to have someone to marry and to love HIM, but he knew he wasn't going to return that. 2. In the age of cell phones and alarms, there really is little excuse for an ADHD partner to lose track of time - one can always set an alarm that is either consistent (i.e. It wasnt until recently that I found an outlet for all of this junk in my head. I signed up for a local meal prep service, where they prepped a few dinners. And that look on his face is what I will always remember. But that was a lot of days for him to be unable to make any time for you. I was a great person, still am as are you. He shows no concern for me - and this has to be narcissistic personality disorder. But at the end of the day if it is really bothering you well then you need to talk to him about it and tell him how it made you feel. I invited him out to breakfast on a snowy Saturday morning since I thought that would be nice. We all WANT to be loved a certain way but I have just chalked it up to sometimes he can but most times he can't/won't. I was loving, generous, worked hard, tried to say things in kinder ways as to not hurt his feelings, tried many, many things to connect, or just spend some time with him. WebNow I'm going to get sick! The grass wasn't greener on the other side but my grass would probably never be any better so there needed to be changes on my side. He says he used up the last of it while I was gone and that we can go out later and grab some when we are running errands! I hope you left him. WebA female reader, aunt honesty +, writes (19 November 2011): It doesn't mean that he doesn't care. When I got to the ER and they did a CAT scan, they said it was about to burst. OP, assuming you guys have been married for a long time, possibly for more than five years and your work is what gets u sick and hurt regularly, I'm guessing she was not always like this. Now he is fine with it, he got used to it and I feel its because I did not cave in to the codependency. He appears not to care youre pregnant and youre feeling unsupported. I would blame him for screwing up mine. Those of us who marry into it, with the person NOT thinking their ADHD is that big of a deal, create a lot of consequences for themselves AND for us, since in marriage "two become one". Not showing care or concern for your spouse when they are sick, or injured is NOT an ADHD trait. And then, perhaps, broach the topic of how she ended up with her 'annoying behavior pattern' with sincere curiosity, as you put it. He still ignored andhung by the pool by himself. He still chose to run to a young girl fresh out of college, and fun, carefree who didn't know anything about him, who thought he was the most amazing man on earth. That lasted about 6 months for us and about 2 years for me to get over. Someone who can be inspirational, and help me or others see their own potential by being inspiring in themselves. I guess its just a character flaw of his! They were on their lunch break at the time, and went back to work - taking the automatic transmission car and leaving me with the manual. The ADHD Effect on Marriage was listed in Huff Post as a top book that therapists suggest all couples should read. Ask for forgiveness. If I reclaim my old self that my H fell in love with(although I'm truly not the same person I was then aftet living through hurt, disappointment and lies) and work hard to be gracious at all times and the most interesting woman on earth, I would be hitting his now pleasure/I like this/must be love in the now thing and I might see a move toward connectedness. I take care of her in sickness and in health.but our kids still come first. OMG. Some people have zero bedside manner. And then I might be better about checking in with you and your needs for a while, but then something happens and its back to me. (Soup after you just threw up is too soon). I drink a gulp of beer and a stoke of cigar and really feel love..for that moment. He was disgusted. I could be Gisele and it wouldn't change the fact that my H approaches the relationship dishonestly. I've told our kids that THEY will be in charge of me if I ever get cancer or something like that. So it's easier when you can say, "ok 20% sucks if I let it but 80% is fabulous". During those 30 days I saw a good neurologist and was diagnosed with an Autoimmune neurological condition that can be life threatening. Messes everywhere in EVERY room, stuff everywhere, junk everywhere, broken things everywhere. I am the best thing he has ever had. Fear,is the one that gets the most use, and what he bases most of his interactions with. Its good to have a healthy balance. The only thing he has genuinely shared from his therapy was the conclusion that he lies to everyone all the time. Even says just because I am sick, he is not going to pet me. The tender, close, intimate kind of love that touches your heart and soul, and makes you feel genuinely connected in a deeper emotionally inter-connected way. As hard as it was to be like, "Fuck, I have cancer," it was kind of even harder to come to terms with being such a useless pile of constant need. I was recovering from major surgery ~ he saw it that I had 6 weeks off from work! Yeah, he's not that thoughtful. I agree his kids should come first. But that was a lot of days for him to be unable to make any time for you. My hu ExpectingH to become someone he cannot/will not be is futile. Thankfully, our two children were happy to help me. All 3 of her children had severe issues, which she blamed on them. Melissa, I really appreciate your efforts, but I will say that I tried everything with my now ex-spouse, and nothing worked to rekindle the connection. I felt like I was dying, inside and out. I'm not sure about what's being discussed about men. Of course, the more the therapist learned, the more it just reinforced what he already knew. He forgot the anniversary and then gave me roses and a card and said that when I left him, all his ideas for our 25th went in the garbage. It dramatically affected my relationship for the worse. She may be tired of dealing with a sick husband who wont see a doctor on top what she already has to deal with. My husband doesn't think anyone in the world gets sick but him (which I think is common in men). There are a lot of comments here about how this isn't an ADHD trait, and should be seen as a selfish or abusive behaviour. Otherwise she knows that I will go down and get whatever I want. Submitted by overwhelmedwife on Wed, 12/14/2016 - 06:05. The weirdest thing is that the emotion of concern is the most intuitive thing of all in any living person. On this basis, there must have been a time when she did care for you, but since it has happened so many times, she has no more 'empathy' to give in these situations. Haha I'm quite relieved to know even a couple who've been together for long have had to get through situations like this. Talk to her and use 'I need" statements. Ihave neglected you. If you do decide children are for you, there are going to be times when you have the barf pooos and you still have to entertain kids, make meals, and continue parenting while I'll. Ya, it sucks being sick but it's a stomach bug. I count my lucky stars his empathy score wasn't way off neurotypical, but even so, it is affected, and I do notice he's MUCH better about me being ill when he's just had what I've caught, because he doesn't have to imagine how I feel, he knows from personal experience. She even acts like I am somehow putting her out by not being 100%. But if I need or expect something maybe not so much because it wont register as now/love but as someone upset whether the upsetedness is valid or not. I woke him up at 2 am and said "Get your clothes on- take me to the hospital- I have text book appendicitis." Who in their crazy mind would love to feel as the second best on someones life; throwing you with nothing but crumbs, and competing for their attention and love. Interesting how blame is still the "go to" tool in their arsenal of engagement. Recallingthe time I told him I was really sick in the morning before swim workout and he told me I had to go anyway? You never falter. I told him I am sick but he tells me to get rest and took off to entertain himself. Follow this journey on Living Without Limits. That takes some effort, but is doable by almost all. And again, why ask me to come back to him if he still can't DO that? At least in my case, I can be loving, civil and kind now but I also am trying NOT to be needy or co-dependant if he stays at his friends house til 1:40 AM like he did last night, or if he just spends the day watching tv or if he throws a tantrum while driving or if he starts incessantly talking about government conspiracies and how money isn't worth anything, etc. I only wanted to make things easier on myself, for three nights a week. 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The most intuitive thing of all, you have to stop being jealous when he treated other better.

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